I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
