I have demons in me.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
