OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I think my moral compass just broke
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