I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
