I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
