This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
