I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
