i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I need a beard to bite.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize