drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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