how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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