the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
