As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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