someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize