We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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