A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
