I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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