I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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