He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Randomize
