True but thats because hes a fetus.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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