I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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