if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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