If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
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