If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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