yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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