What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
