It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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