Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Randomize