We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
