I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
