when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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