I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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