I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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