All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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