she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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