do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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