So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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