dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
