2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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