And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
