Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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