Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
They are going to name an STD after you.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
