Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Someone shattered a urinal.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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