you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
