yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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