I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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