Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
