Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
