he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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