If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
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