I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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