Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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