i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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