apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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