4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize