everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
