But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
