I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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