I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
