haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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