If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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