he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
